Are you doing the thing because of what you'll get, or because of what you're afraid of? Both get the task done. Only one of them is sustainable.

This week, Dr. Ari Tuckman returns to talk about approach and avoidance, and why so many of us have only ever learned to start the second engine. We get into why avoidance works just well enough to become a habit, why "not as bad" is a ceiling rather than a goal, and what actually changes in a life that runs more on what you're moving toward.

Along the way: the difference between shame and embarrassment and why it matters more than it sounds, what to do at 8 a.m. on a Monday when everything on the list feels equally urgent, and the case for disappointing people early instead of late.

Links & Notes

• Get the “3 Reasons” Prioritization Worksheet Right Here!
• ADHD & Marriage: Learn to thrive in your relationship with Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA; Rachel Ban, LICSW; and Melissa Orlov!
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (00:56) - About the Show
• (02:25) - Introducing Ari Tuckman
• (14:38) - The question of shame
• (22:00) - Approach Motivation
• (29:04) - Approach versus Avoidance
• (37:28) - Find Ari

Last time Dr. Dodge Rea was here, we set up a conversation in two parts and only got through one of them. This week we finish it, and the half we left hanging turns out to be the trickier one. What happens when the person you're most out of sync with is yourself?

Attunement asks you to stay in touch with another person while staying intact with yourself, both at once. Most of us are better at one than the other. For a lot of us with ADHD, the outward half arrives early and never leaves. We got good at reading other people young, and never got the same practice on ourselves. So we say yes to things before we've checked whether there's anything left to give. And then we swing all the way to the far end, so far inward that a simple request from someone we love feels like an ambush.

There's research behind why that break hits so much harder than it looks from the outside, including a well-known experiment with mothers and infants that is difficult to watch. The share of the time we have to get attunement right is far smaller than you'd guess. What happens in the remaining time is pretty important, turns out.

There's also shame, and why it works so well as armor that some part of us would rather keep it than find out who we'd be without it. And there's a mantra Pete grabbed onto in the middle of the conversation and hasn't put down since.

Links & Notes

• Learn more about Dr. Dodge Rea
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (01:11) - Support the show -- Become a Patron!
• (03:57) - Attunement

Rest, relaxation, recuperation. Three words we reach for when we're empty, and all three have collapsed into the same meaning: stop doing something. The older meanings point somewhere far more interesting, toward getting strength back rather than simply halting some energetic drain.

This week, Pete walks Nikki through research from occupational psychology that helps explain a frustrating experience most ADHDers likely know well: taking the time off and still coming back exhausted. There are four distinct kinds of recovery, they don't substitute for each other, and picking the wrong one is why a whole weekend of rest can leave you no better than you started.

Along the way: why sitting still can make mental noise louder, why your hobby might be the most restorative thing on your calendar, why the scroll fails every test, and how to match the kind of rest you choose to the kind of tired you are.

Links & Notes

• The Recovery Experience Questionnaire
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (01:32) - Support the Show on Patreon!
• (02:54) - On Rest and Recuperation
• (13:56) - The Big Four
• (26:42) - Fake Rest
• (29:20) - Match the Drain to the Recovery